Silent Sabotage: Tackling How to Deal With Passive-Aggressive

Passive-aggressive behavior is defined as behavior that is seemingly innocuous, accidental, or neutral but that indirectly displays an unconscious aggressive motive.

Passive-aggressive people are indirectly aggressive rather than being directly aggressive. For instance, passive-aggressive behavior can appear in the form of resistance to another person's requests by procrastinating, expressing sullenness, or acting stubbornly.

Someone who is passive-aggressive often lets others take control while someone aggressive is more confrontational or directly forceful. So, someone who is passive-aggressive exerts their control over situations less directly or recognisably.

Learn more about what being passive-aggressive means, the types of actions common with passive-aggressive behavior, and passive-aggressive examples. We also share how to respond when interacting with someone who exhibits passive-aggressiveness.

Signs of Passive-Aggressive Behavior

Passive-aggressive behavior can show up in many forms. If someone is being passive-aggressive, they might:

"Ghost" you, or seemingly disappear
Give you a backhanded compliment ("I saw you did the dishes. I was surprised.")
Give you the silent treatment
Indirectly refuse your request (not tell you no, but also not do what you've asked)
Make excuses rather than say what is on their mind
Procrastinate when you've asked them to do something
Respond to your requests with sarcasm or subtle digs

A passive-aggressive person might repeatedly claim that they are not mad or that they are fine—even when they are apparently furious and obviously not okay. In denying what they are feeling and refusing to be emotionally open, they shut down further communication and refuse to discuss the issue.

Effects of Passive-Aggressive Behavior

When someone is passive-aggressive, it can negatively affect their relationships. Since they don't openly voice their feelings, the people they interact with may not understand why they're getting the silent treatment or why their requests are being ignored. This creates confusion about what is going on.

Over time, these behaviors can take a toll on the relationship. The passive-aggressive person's partner may start to get tired of asking several times to do something or they may start to resent the sarcastic responses. This can create a wedge.

Additionally, since the person who is being passive-aggressive doesn't open up about how they are feeling, the underlying anger or frustration is never dealt with. The situation continues to fester as opposed to resolving the issues and moving forward.

Passive-aggressive employees may face disciplinary action at work or even be terminated. A student who is passive-aggressive might get low marks in school due to missing or late assignments, hurting their grades and resulting in poor academic performance.

Causes of Passive-Aggressive Behavior

Passive-aggressive behaviors can have negative effects on relationships in families, romances, and even in the workplace and school. So why is this often destructive behavior so common? There are a few things that can contribute to passive aggression.

Family upbringing: Some researchers theorize that passive-aggressive behavior can stem from being raised in an environment where the direct expression of emotions was discouraged or not allowed. As a result, people may feel that they cannot express their real feelings more openly and, instead, find ways to passively channel their anger or frustration.
Mental health status: Research has found a connection between depression and passive-aggressive behaviors toward oneself. It's thought that this is due to a combination of the person's attitude, how they explain negative situations (their attributional style), and how they respond to distress.
Situational circumstances: The situation may also influence passive-aggressive behavior. If you are in a place where displays of aggression are not socially acceptable, such as at a business or family function, you might be more inclined to respond covertly when someone makes you angry.
Discomfort with confrontation: Being assertive and emotionally open is not always easy. When standing up for yourself is difficult or even scary, passive-aggression might seem like an easier way to deal with your emotions without having to confront the source of your anger.