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Secure Attachment Style: How To Feel More Secure In Relationships

Want to feel comfortable with intimacy and less preoccupied with relationships?

In the last few posts, I’ve been exploring John Bowlby’s attachment theory, covering anxious avoidant and anxious avoidant attachment styles. People who want to improve their approach to relationships may look at developing a more secure attachment style.

Your attachment style can affect a range of aspects in a relationship:

  • How comfortable you are with emotional intimacy

  • The ways you respond to conflict

  • Your expectations of your partner and the relationship

  • Your ability to communicate your emotions

  • How to listen to and understand the needs of your partner

What Is A Secure Attachment Style?

We typically see a secure attachment style as the healthiest relationship approach. Those with a secure approach feel comfortable with intimacy but are also independent. They are typically trusting and accepting of differences in a relationship. They are usually warm and loving in their approach but are happy for a need to be separate at times.

Usually, those with a secure attachment style can solve relationship conflict fairly well by regulating emotions, using relational insight and forgiveness to move on.

Where Does A Secure Attachment Style Come From?

Like all attachment styles, a secure attachment style comes from childhood. Those who are secure typically experienced a sensitive, warm and loving caregiver as they were growing up.

In one study, around 56% of people identify themselves as having a secure attachment style. Many others believe they are a hybrid, with secure traits, but also you would like to build a stronger secure attachment style, there are ways you can develop your approach to relationships to help you feel more secure in relationships.

Top Tips To Feel More Secure In Relationships

Eliminate The Negative Self-Talk

Negative self-talk can be a big factor in how you act in relationships. Perhaps you think you’re not worthy of a relationship or that people can’t be trusted and will let you down. All of the harsh and critical things you tell yourself can affect how you interact with others. Try to give yourself the kindness and compassion that you show to others.

Play Outside Of Your Comfort Zone

Building self-esteem is important for a secure relationship. One way to build your self-esteem is to find ways to push yourself slightly out of your comfort zone. Taking measured risks and having fun.

Understand Your Behaviour Patterns

We can all have a behaviour routine when something triggers us. By practising mindfulness and self-awareness, you can begin to recognise these patterns and learn how to break the cycle. By taking a measured view, you can also reflect on past incidences and use your insight to understand what happened and why.

Increase Your Self-Care

It can be easy to look to others to provide support, comfort, love and happiness. However, it becomes a far more effective and powerful tool if we can go inwards to get this support. Learning how to self-nurture can be a fantastic way to establish independence while also understanding your needs and wants in relationships.

Heal And Accept

If past experiences are preventing you from having a secure attachment style or healthy relationships, then healing through therapy can be what you need to accept the past and move forward. I offer a bespoke blended therapy and coaching package that can help you address these experiences and reprogram your mindset. To find out more, please book a free consultation with me by emailing


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