Passive-Aggressive Behavior in People with Narcissistic Traits

Passive-aggressive behavior comes in many forms, such as:

Using indirect hostility: “Backhanded compliments” are a common passive-aggressive behavior when someone says something that sounds nice but is intended to be hurtful. For example, a person with narcissistic traits might say, “I like your blouse; you can hardly tell it’s second-hand!”
Giving the silent treatment: Giving someone the silent treatment means ignoring them when you’re upset with them rather than talking to them about how you’re feeling. If you try talk to them, the person with narcissistic traits may act like they didn’t hear you. They may even walk away as though they didn’t see you standing there.
Purposefully not communicating: Passive-aggressive behavior can be planned and intentional. For example, if a person with narcissistic traits is angry at someone, they may refuse to pick up the phone, reply to a text, or answer an email from them.
Engaging in sulking: Moping about or “huffing and puffing” over wrongdoing is a childlike behavior that people with narcissistic traits may use to passive-aggressively let others know that they’re upset without actually saying that they are.
Intentionally showing up late to appointments or not showing up at all: Not respecting another person’s time or following through with commitments can be an obvious act of aggression, but sometimes it’s more subtle. For example, a person with narcissistic traits might always show up late for a weekly meeting at work as a “power trip” to show a manager they don’t get along with “who the boss is” in the office.
Using underhanded sabotage: While people with narcissistic traits can certainly be calculated and overt about trying to damage another person, they can also take a more passive-aggressive approach to hurting someone. For example, a narcissistic parent jealous of their child’s athletic ability might “forget” to wash a jersey or “misplace” a mouthguard before the big game in hopes that the child will have to stay on the bench.
Refusing to finish work: Sometimes, people use their responsibilities or expected tasks as a way to manipulate people passive-aggressively. For example, a person with narcissistic traits who gets criticized by a colleague may stop giving them the weekly reports they need out of spite or to “make a point.”

These behaviors may not seem outwardly aggressive, but when they’re combined with covert narcissism, they put major stress on relationships.

What Is a Covert Narcissist?

While the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (5th Edition) defines narcissistic personality disorder, it does not define covert narcissism or “quiet narcissism.”

However, narcissistic behavior can be covert or overt, and the clinical signs of a disorder can be described as one or the other.

Covert narcissistic behaviors or signs are not always obvious. For example, a person with covert narcissism can seem shy or sensitive but have the same sense of entitlement, insecure sense of self, and lack of empathy as someone with overt narcissism.

A covert narcissist is more likely to be introverted than extroverted (as many people with overt narcissistic traits). They are often highly sensitive to the judgments or evaluations of other people, but at the same time envious and very self-absorbed.

A covert narcissist may go between feeling better than everyone else and having a fragile sense of self-esteem.

Causes of Passive-Aggressiveness and Narcissism

It is not known what causes passive-aggressiveness or narcissism, but there are some theories. Contributing factors to narcissistic personality disorder include:

Genetics
Experiences and relationships during early life and development, such as trauma or abuse
Personality traits (like the ability to regulate emotions or the level of tolerance to distress)

Whether covert or overt, the reasons for narcissistic behaviors are complex and not fully understood.

How to Cope with Passive-Aggressive Narcissists

Coping with a person with narcissistic traits is exhausting and challenging, especially if they use passive aggression to manipulate the people around them.

Here are just a few tips to keep in mind if you’re coping with a passive-aggressive narcissist:

Understand they’re not your problem to solve: You cannot fix someone’s narcissism or stop their passive-aggressive behavior. Narcissism is a clinical mental health disorder that requires professional treatment. It is not your responsibility or job to “fix” a narcissist.
Know you aren’t to blame: You are not responsible for a narcissist’s behaviors. Remember, they make themselves feel big by making you feel small. It's a maladaptive coping strategy to maintain a sense of control or self-worth.

Set boundaries: A person with narcissistic traits will not respect the boundaries or needs of others, so you must be clear with yourself about what you will not tolerate. It can be hard to set boundaries with passive-aggressive behavior because the aggression is not straightforward. That said, having firm boundaries can help you identify when to take a step back from a narcissist.
Reach out for support: A person with narcissistic traits can make you question what you’re going through. It’s important to turn to supportive family and friends for accurate, objective viewpoints and feedback on your situation.