Navigating Narcissistic Behaviours in a Relationship

As you look around, you might see narcissistic traits and tendencies in friends, family, your own partner and maybe even yourself.

Occasionally, we all tend to be somewhat self-centered and self-important; we desire admiration from others and want to be viewed as unique, which might lead to occasional selfishness or insensitivity.

However, this is actually quite common and can even be beneficial at times, but such behavior typically does not eliminate the capacity to be sensitive and caring to others. Therefore, when discussing the meaning of narcissism, it's crucial to maintain perspective.

Narcissism – the meaning behind the buzz word

The use of psychological labels, such as ‘narcissism’, have become more and more popular in recent years. But we often use them without a full understanding of their meaning. These labels were developed as descriptions of human behaviour and can exist across a spectrum.

“It’s true that narcissistic traits, tendencies, and ‘selfish’ behaviour have become more normalised in Western culture in particular, with an emphasis on the individual at the cost of community. Individualism is rampant.”

The difference between narcissistic traits and true narcissism

Most of the time when we refer to someone as a narcissist, it’s because we have experienced them as consistently acting in a self-important, selfish and insensitive way. On the other hand, we might call someone narcissistic when they are not doing what we want, and we don’t like the boundaries they may be setting.

The good news is that these behaviours are a long way from the extreme form of malignant narcissism that we call ‘narcissistic personality disorder’ (NPD), which is thankfully quite rare – less than 1% of the general population, and more common among men than women.

So while someone might be inclined to be a little selfish and self-important, that doesn’t mean they’re not capable of caring for others. The key factor to look for is whether an individual can be caring and sensitive at least some of the time.

Is it ever possible to have a healthy relationship with a narcissist?

If we are talking about a person who meets the criteria for NPD listed above, the answer would have to be ‘no’. It’s difficult to have a genuine and loving connection with someone who makes everything about themselves. Additionally, in many cases, those in relationships with someone who has NPD can experience ongoing psychological and emotional abuse – types of domestic violence – at the hands of their partners.

But if you do happen to find yourself in a relationship with someone who might simply display narcissistic tendencies, there is some hope.

Relationships that survive will rely on the partner having good self-esteem, strong boundaries, valued resources, patience, an even-tempered personality, and a reason to stay. Over time, your self-esteem will need good reinforcement from other parts of your life, like work or friends, to be maintained.

The success of the relationship will also depend on your partner being able to learn to respond well to your feedback. They may not respond with empathy and understanding at first, but if they can eventually acknowledge your requests in some way, then that signals some hope for the relationship.

If they can never accept or take your concerns on board, then the relationship risks becoming a lopsided and potentially psychologically risky connection – and one that’s ultimately likely to break down over time.

How counselling can help

Seeking professional counselling can be crucial for achieving a more balanced dynamic in your relationship. It's important to understand the reasons behind your partner's apparent self-centeredness and lack of sensitivity. While these issues might stem from various causes, they could potentially be addressed through targeted therapy.

However, if your partner is unwilling to consider your perspective or the idea of working on the relationship with the help of a therapist, and even suggests that you should focus solely on yourself, these may be indications that change is less likely to occur.