Is Silent Treatment a Form of Abuse? Refusing to communicate can be a form of manipulation

When you think of abuse, your mind probably goes immediately to physical violence, yelling, or intimidation. But an abusive relationship can also be silent. Some people use silent treatment abuse to manipulate and control their loved ones. This is a form of emotional abuse.

It’s normal to not want to talk to someone when you are angry or frustrated. In most cases, this happens occasionally and blows over. However, if a person regularly uses the silent treatment to influence or control your behaviour, they are being emotionally abusive.

Continue reading to learn more about silent treatment abuse, including how to identify it in your life and how to get help.

Emotional abuse is a series of behaviours and actions that are meant to erode a person’s self-esteem and self-worth. Over time, that behaviour can make people more dependent on an abuser.

The silent treatment is when one person refuses to talk to or otherwise communicate with another. While it’s normal to cool down after an argument or frustrating conversation, the silent treatment is often used over a longer period of time and as a way for the silent person to punish or control the person they are ignoring. This is known as silent treatment abuse.

Here’s how you can know whether the silent treatment you’re experiencing is one of the signs of emotional abuse.

Control

Emotional abuse is executed at least in part to exert control over a person’s behaviour. Oftentimes, emotional abusers use their actions to make their target feel less than or to make them more dependent on the abuser.

If someone is giving you the silent treatment in order to control your actions, they are causing silent treatment abuse. For example, the person might say they’re not speaking to you until you apologize, or they won’t speak to you if you go out with friends. They’re using the silent treatment to control your behaviour and that’s not OK.

Manipulation

Similarly, abusers can use silent treatment to manipulate you into certain actions. For example, they might give you the silent treatment in order for you to give them sex or money. If a person is giving you the silent treatment to gain something for themselves, they are showing a sign of emotional abuse.

Length of Treatment

Taking some space after a heated argument is normal. In fact, it’s a healthy coping mechanism to ensure that you don’t accidentally do or say something hurtful. However, when the silent treatment stretches on or is regularly used to avoid important conversations, it is no longer a healthy choice.

Exclusion

Humans are social creatures. Being made to feel excluded or ostracized has been used as a punishment for centuries. Being excluded activates the same areas of the brain that being a victim of physical violence activates.3 If another person is using the silent treatment to make you feel excluded, they are being abusive.

Ways to Resolve the Issue

Resolving someone else’s abusive behaviour is never the victim’s responsibility. Abuse is never your fault, and nothing you say or do should elicit silent treatment abuse.

However, if it feels safe to do so, you can talk to your loved one about silent treatment abuse in order to help them understand the impact it has on you.

Calmly Express How You Feel

During a calm time—not when you’re being given the silent treatment—tell your partner exactly how it makes you feel. Let them know that it feels hurtful and abusive, and it’s a behaviour that you need to work together to change.

Set Expectations

Talk with your partner about rules for communication, especially during arguments. For example, it’s OK to take time to cool off, but set limits. You might decide that either one of you can call an hour-long “time out” from an argument, or that you’ll always talk to each other before bed.

Establish Boundaries

Set boundaries around silent treatment abuse. Let your partner know what the consequences will be if they continue to give you the silent treatment. When your boundaries are violated, take action.