How to Live an Emotionally Independent Life

Whether you believe that or not, there’s always an option to change the world outside of you, as hard as that might be. However, most people don’t think about starting by changing from within instead of automatically trying to change everything around them. We tend to believe that until the things around us are different, we can’t be emotionally sound or feel good about our lives.

In truth, this very idea stops us from making the changes needed to live happy and fulfilling lives. Focusing all our efforts on external factors prevents us from understanding what's inside. Instead of blaming the world, we can reflect inward and ask, “How am I contributing to the world around me?” “In what ways are my thoughts, behaviors, and actions self-defeating and maintaining my current life?” “What do I gain from the life I’m living?” and “Why do I repeat the same behaviors, even if they don’t bring me happiness?”

I’ve realized that life presents similar situations until we change internally. At that point, you have a choice: You can react to life as you always have, wishing unpleasant situations didn’t occur, or you can choose to respond differently. Instead of always trying to change the outside world and complaining about its unfairness, why not focus on evolving internally? I often wonder how different people would be if they worked on becoming more emotionally independent from within rather than changing their external world.

You might wonder what I mean by emotional independence. Let me clarify. Emotional independence is the ability to manage your life and stress levels, even in tough times. It’s achieved by developing who you are from the inside out, not the other way around.

Emotional independence is a form of inner resilience that assures you can face, solve, and endure any situation. It means building your self-worth independently, without relying on others for happiness or identity. Accepting ourselves and changing unhelpful perceptions and behaviors helps us find the strength needed to create a personal sense of inner peace. It allows us to see ourselves as distinct from others and declare independence from circumstances that once influenced our moods, behaviors, and self-perception.

I understand. It sounds great in theory, but practising it is another matter. The truth is, it’s more comfortable to cling to our usual, automatic responses (even if they don’t make us happy) than to change them. And even if we want to change internally, it’s sometimes hard to know where to start. Let me help with that. Here are some simple steps to begin living from within now.

• Know that you are the sum of your choices. This might sound harsh, especially if you’re unhappy with your life, but it doesn’t mean you’re to blame for every bad thing that happens. It’s not your fault that you make certain choices. We learn automatic ways to handle situations based on our family roles, and we continue to respond similarly as we age. The first step is to pay more attention to ourselves and become aware of our natural responses. Only then can we change our choices, leading to more purposeful and intentional lives.

• Understand your values and long-term goals. When was the last time you had time to yourself without distractions like your phone or TV? We’re constantly bombarded with stimuli that prevent reflection and self-awareness. Try to take 10 minutes daily for self-reflection. Treat yourself as a research project. Get to know yourself better. During this time, observe your thoughts without judgment. What do you think about it? What emotions do your thoughts trigger? Over time, you’ll learn about the most important person in your life: you! Then you can start understanding your values and long-term goals.

• Say goodbye to “shoulds” and “ought to.” We all learn numerous “shoulds” and “ought tos” in life, like “I should always be happy,” or “I ought to excel at everything.” These ideas often dictate our lives. We must identify the inner voices telling us what we should and ought to be to distinguish them from our true voices. It’s crucial to free yourself from others’ expectations; otherwise, you risk living an unfulfilling life. We’re not always aware of adopting others’ expectations as our own. But doing so can make us feel anxious, resentful, uncomfortable, unfulfilled, and empty. Recognize these emotions as signals that you’re not living your truth but rather based on “shoulds” and “ought to.”

• Know yourself through your most important relationships. We develop emotional independence from our key relationships with others. This means we can’t know who we are until we understand our relationships with others. Family and romantic relationships often trigger us the most, but if we pay attention, these triggers reveal our reactivity to others’ opinions. Emotional independence doesn’t mean people do not affect you. It helps you balance emotional closeness and distance, allowing self-regulation even around those who know your triggers. Close relationships shouldn’t feel like a burden or a crutch needed for self-worth and life satisfaction.

• Take responsibility for yourself. Blaming others for our problems places 100% of the blame on them, making them 100% responsible for resolving issues. This leaves us emotionally dependent and vulnerable. To better manage emotions, take responsibility for your role in problems. This puts you in control of your life, instead of being driven by emotions. It increases awareness of options to improve situations and quiets unsettling feelings, giving more control over emotional responses.

• Know how your brain works. Serotonin and dopamine are chemicals our brains release to create feelings of joy and happiness. According to neuroscience research, we can condition ourselves to feel happier by changing our thoughts and perceptions. Our brains help determine what makes us happy, and research shows it’s unrelated to the outside world. It’s all about our perceptions. More proof that happiness comes from within. Even if you feel you lack control over your feelings now, by changing your thoughts over time, you can gain more control, leading to a more emotionally independent life. People, circumstances, and finances can’t control you! You can feel any emotion you want by engaging in more purposeful thoughts and actions. Happiness is your choice.

  
  
  
  

  

  
  
  
  

If you take a good look at yourself and your actions, opening yourself to changes you might never have considered, that is what taking charge of your life looks like. Living an emotionally independent life means embracing new experiences and letting go of the idea that it’s better to live comfortably than to change out of fear of the unknown. There’s another type of emotional comfort worth trying: the self-confidence of knowing you can handle anything. Emotional independence is the only lasting security, the only real sense of internal comfort.