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Ego Vs Love: Is Your Ego Ruining Your Relationships “Ego judges and punishes. Love forgives and heal

“Ego judges and punishes. Love forgives and heals.”

Think you don’t have an ego? Think again! Every single person has an ego. While the ego is not necessarily a bad thing, it seems that more and more individuals are letting their egos rule their heads and their hearts. What’s more, researchers have reported a 67% increase in narcissism in the past twenty years. So, is this rise in ego, self-entitlement and expectations preventing people from finding love? I have been discussing this very topic with Amina Itchier, the founder of Hera-elite, a bespoke and exclusive high-end match-making agency operating internationally.

Ego isn’t necessary bigheadedness or arrogance; an ego can be functional. It can help to protect you and give you confidence. In Buddhist terms, a well-coordinated ego can help you to assess your responsibilities, make judgements of what is right and wrong for you and allows you to learn from past mistakes. However, in the world of dating, your ego may be doing you more harm than good. So how is your ego getting in the way of finding love?

How Your Ego Gets In The Way Of Dating

Everyone has a front that they put up to protect themselves (and their egos). Most people will have both an inner and outer façade. Not only do people hide their real selves from others but from themselves to a certain degree too. This façade helps to protect you from a fear of rejection and fear of history repeating itself. If a relationship or traumatic event in the past has hurt you, it is this façade that you use to stop you from getting hurt again.

On the other hand, you may do the opposite to ‘appease the ego’. You may enter into wrong or unhealthy relationships in a way to right the wrongs of the past and make your ego feel better about past mistakes. Freud calls this ‘repetition compulsion theory’ when you can’t help but date people who are not right for you or ‘emotionally unavailable’ as a way to have control over a situation when you didn’t have control in the past.

The Battle Of The Heart Vs Ego

“Love is happy when it can give something. The ego is happy when it can take something.” Osho

Unlike hearts that want comfort and contentment, egos require approval, validation and a chance to prove self-worth. If you let your ego rule when dating, the façade comes up to protect you in case you don’t receive the approval and validation your ego requires.

However, when you have this façade, you can come across disingenuous. Your date will often be able to see that you are putting up a front and not showing your real self. Love cannot flourish when you are not being true to yourself or the other person. When your ego stops you being yourself and opening yourself up even though it might hurt, it prevents you from finding real and lasting love.

How To Spot Your Ego On A Date

When you’re on a date, there is a lot to think about. It may be difficult to spot your ego making its appearance but watch out for these common signs that indicate your ego is leading the way on your date.

Lack of confidence

When going on a date, there is always a risk that it might not be the ideal date. If you believe yourself to be excellent in relationships, this new data could prove your ego wrong. Your ego will not let you be wrong, so will come up with excuses to protect you. These will often be silly reasons that will stop you from liking someone. Perhaps they used a phrase in their speech that you dislike, or you deem them not attractive enough.

Having the last word

Ego feeds on control, and this can come across on a date through always having to have the last word. If you find yourself having to end each conversation or close an argument, check yourself as to how you are feeling. Do you feel inferior or superior? Is your lack of self-assurance due to your date or due to your ego?

Not calling

After a date, you are waiting for your date to get in touch with you. However, what exactly is stopping you from getting in touch first? If they said they would call perhaps you feel that you must wait otherwise, you might appear too keen. Maybe the other person is not calling for the same reason as you. Perhaps their ego has ruled that calling you could lead to rejection. If both of you let your ego rule, then you could both lose out on love.


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